| innards exposed::No deer in headlights |
|
|
| 09:35pm 20/02/2012 |
| |
mood:  accomplished
|
This journal was once locked to the public. I've decided to open it up, from this point on to record my demise. I have had a plethora of health problems, my next entry will explain all of it. Follow me here to have an e-experience with a sick body, neurotic mind & the self-destructive nature I've always obtained. Also including::
Love & Rockets,
+Jenniver+ |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| I'm on a plane... I can't complain |
|
|
| 01:23pm 04/09/2011 |
| |
mood:  excited
|
Today My adventure begins. It has been 11 years since I've traveled anywhere in an aiplane & I am so excited to do so. Also, I've never flown alone. It feels so liberating that after all the health hell & reverting bacwards to finally be moving forward with my life & being on my own, single & independant. No one to answer to for the first time in my life. I flew out of Denver early in the a.m today & arrived here in Newark New Jersey about 5pm. This is a humongeous airport. My cell phone was dead so I found an electrical outlet to charge it in & am typing from my laptop. A nun is just to the left of me, feel very safe even though I am right outside new york city. My lay over is 5 hours, if I had more time I would go check it out.
My day started at a quarter to 5am from my home in Colorado Springs. My Aunt Marion took me to the airport in Denver. I checked in for my flight a half an hour too late ( which was an hour & a half from departure ) so they booked me for the next flight out to newark. Originally I would have departed at 8:25am, but I finally flew out of DIA around 11:30. Come to find out the reason in all actuality was because the president was flying into Newark & no flights came in or out for two hours. Other than that the flight was fantastic. I forgot how crammed airplanes are... also because I sat inbetween two big men. It wasn't horrible though. I had a delicious fresh baby spinach, button mushroom, cherry tomato, fried/crunchy onions & grilled chicken salad with this fantastic vinegarette dressing on the airplane accompanied with a cognac & coke to wash it down. LOL, i have to admit I was a bit anxious so the drink took the edge off. All in all I enjoy traveling by myself... for obvious reasons. Namely no aggrivation of arguing with another person on what to eat where to sit etc.
My flight leaves in 3 hours from now to Providence. I'm on my way to see my best (girl)friend in the entire world & her Boy. They live smack dab between Boston & Providence on the Mass & Rhode island border. I'm looking very forward to seeing them. I have not seen cillian since he was 2, over two years ago.
I was becoming very drowsy so I went to get an iced, stong coffee as it is ultra hot & muggy here in New Jersey. As I was walking away from the counter I hear a man say "Miss!" so I turn around & there is an adorable & short NYPD officer standing there. I had left my wallet at the counter. THANK GOD it was cop that found it. Good thing I got that coffee, shows how exhausted I was!
I have to catch a bus from this terminal of the airport to another so I best be going back through sercurity & grab a bite to eat before my flight departs. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| poppies gonna make me sleep |
|
|
| 09:52am 18/01/2011 |
| |
Quote: "dont worrry about her... she's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight." -Lydia Deets portrayed by Wynona Ryder | via the Tim Burton film BeetleJuice circa 1989
Anywho, onward. Sooo, ah, yes valium[dually noted,now], benadryl, oxycodone [pharmie Proper term for perKocet]yes?yes! I know "C" not "K". Ich bin deutsch.. so, natürlich, ich macht "K" gern. Where was i? Ah, YES! Seroquel, diphenhydremine [teehee gotcha!, its already listed, however, which brand name is this the pharmaceuticalproperchemical name for boys & girls?], clonazepam, APAP, prograff, rapamune, prednisone, coumadin [warfarin], lasix, lisinopril, celexa.
Posted via LjBeetle |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Cryptic Catharsis |
|
|
| 10:26pm 15/12/2010 |
| |
Spliced Love Lyrics he altered for me
She seems dressed in all the rings of past fatalities, so fragile yet so devious
©
She is everything and more... The solemn hypnotic
My Dahlia, bathed in possession
She is home to me I get nervous, perverse, when I see her it's worse
©
Hard to say what caught my attention
Fixed and crazy... Aphid attraction
Carve my name in my face... To recognize
Such a pheromone cult to terrorize
©
I'm a slave and I am a master
No restraints and unchecked collectors
I exist through my needs... to self-oblige
She is something in me that I despise
The 9 • All Hope is Gone • JenniVermilion
end
vermilion
Main Entry: red
Part of Speech: noun, adjective
Definition: color of blood; shade resembling such a color
Synonyms: bittersweet, bloodshot, blooming, blush, brick, burgundy, cardinal, carmine, cerise, cherry, chestnut, claret, copper, coral, crimson, dahlia, flaming, florid, flushed, fuchsia, garnet, geranium, glowing, healthy, inflamed, infrared, magenta, maroon, pink, puce, rose, roseate, rosy, rubicund, ruby, ruddy, rufescent, russet, rust, salmon, sanguine, scarlet, titian, vermilion, wine [c&p'd via Thesarus.com] |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| no more will i be the martyr again! |
|
|
| 06:32pm 11/12/2010 |
| |
mood:  numb
|
I've never had thoughts of homicide before now.
A caged beast can be prodded for so long & then...
SNAP!
The limits of the dead! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| c from the knot speaks from my heart |
|
|
| 09:32pm 06/12/2010 |
| |
Bury all your secrets in my skin Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins The air around me still feels like a cage And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again So if you love me, let me go And run away before I know My heart is just too dark to care I can't destroy what isn't there Deliver me into my fate If I'm alone I cannot hate I don't deserve to have you My smile was taken long ago If I can change I hope I never know I still press your letters to my lips And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss I couldn't face a life without your light But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight So save your breath, I will not hear I think I made it very clear You couldn't hate enough to love Is that supposed to be enough? I only wish you weren't my friend Then I could hurt you in the end I never claimed to be a saint My own was banished long ago It took the death of hope to let you go So break yourself against my stones And spit your pity in my sou You never needed any help You sold me out to save yourself And I won't listen to your shame You ran away, you're all the same Angels lie to keep contro My love was punished long ago If you still care, don't ever let me know If you still care, don't ever let me know |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| is she dead? |
|
|
| 04:23pm 09/09/2010 |
| |
Or not. I hope so.
2 days until his birth.
Was.
He won't make the call.
I can't stop being cryptic.
& I will not.
Die künstliche coherency ist falsch. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Moving Part Zero0Oo |
|
|
| 01:19am 13/07/2010 |
| |
I've d8ed a Virgo {spoiled me with n e thing I wanted, but was sneaky & cheated on me, of course the 2nd time around I got revenge, once[not enough 4 me, enough 2 damage him back 2.. aaaanyroad]} for 5yrs: then again for 3 yrs. 3 years l8r. He was my highschool sweetheart. He was murdered, shot point blank in the heart with a .22. !'ve d8ed a Gemini cop. {*yawn*} I d8ed an Aries [ultra-damaged] X-Marine, severely abusive & an alchoholic which I endured for 4 months. Meshed with random Scorpios, 1 night stands, others with other substance abuse problems & flings {mostly with mild drinking habits, however daily as it were} Somehow I still manage to have some Hymen left.
The Libra Man I have been with for the past 2 years is going 2 prison 2morrow. This Man *is* the only 1 that I have loved among all my flings, fiascos & flirtings. i know now, through him, what
I can honestly say I've seen, felt & done it all with a lover. However, D [theee Man] is the one, 1, ONE!¡ & now he is leaving to be locked up for a substantial amount of time. i bhave him with me 2nite... probably our last night 2gether. my heart hurts & my stomache churns. i feel gushes of heat & waves of anxiety & all i want to do is make love to him.
N E road, so ya. Obviously we r not moving in that cottage together.. I will be living alone for the 1st time in my life. I am numb & resistance to the pain is futile.
oOh, + eye just got out of Detox 2 days ago. I'll save that for the next orbit.
Love & Rockets,
+Jenniver Von KünstlichFawn+ |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 03:11am 23/06/2010 |
| |
"i hate the mad mental klutziness that happens when sudden clarity gushfloods my mind before i sleep, & after I wake" -don't speak to me with words because I only communicate with flowers via Fetal Dress
I cannot sleep, but what's new about that. This plague has me so physically fatigued. This time I do not mean my mindChaos. No my infucktion. energy + antiBiotics - sleep = a head full of zombies.
A Urinary Tract Infection can literally be called, as a pun, an inFUCKtion.
Yooo evil carriers of bacteria & HPV. However YOOO cannot contract the latter ever & the first rare if null @ all. Males.
Now, I shall order D to massage my whines away. *starts singing* Calgon can't take me away... -L7
Love & Rockets,
+Jenniver Von BrökenHymen+ |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Meth Stories |
|
|
| 07:43pm 22/06/2010 |
| |
i have a million and one crystal-sparkly thoughts that are completely tongue-tied.
THE precise synopsis for my brain pain.
In other{worldly} news:: I finally broke down & had D drag my azz to the Hospital as I know when I am septic, infected. T'was my bladder/ureter/TP'd kidney. A simple UTI inFUCKtion, literally ;) .!. Glory bee that I was not admited. For various reasons.
In fact, this latest visit was the most pleasant 2 date. I had a military efficient Dr. & a seasoned 30 year {slightly jaded} Nurse, Mark. Danke fur das spritze! -trans--> thank u 4 the shot {{ov Dilaudid}} ... my I.V. was obtained in ONE poke *is used to 6-8 pokes*
In & out in less than 3 hours. That *is* a record.
What mad this visit the bees knees of all visits was how proud I am of myself for not asking for pain meds right off the bat let alone even thought of it to boot! Dr. Maul {&hearts} ordered it for me & Sir Mark shot me up ha! & whilst this was going on I invented a new style of TelevisionPhotgraphyFantastik I like to actually call NeoOrganicElectric Impressionism. [ see previous entry for examples | copious amounts to upload follows ] plus, some über institutionalized neon lit shots & of course the routine photochronicle of my I.V.
And on that note, I'm Off to bed via a beautiful chemical wedding. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Welcome SummerSolstice:: the longest day of the year |
|
|
| 12:30am 22/06/2010 |
| |
:HIGH-lights | 06.21.2010:
•Baked in our oven--->Turtle cookies
•naturally patinæd copper pinkPoppy planter
•Hole:: Behind the Music on VH1 [finaly. finaly, fina-FUCKING-ly]
•french fried sweet potatoes, a rose, beautiful friends, love & pain.
today was an amplified electrically marvelous 1st day of Summer. i spent most of the day in the garden & near a 100+ yr. old treeee! smoked trees, ate hearty protiens & sweet bliss O, & curry!
Ooo eye heart eye ooO
My HomeBoy & I went to Petco today. I decided I want a beta fish. he will be an opalescent Half Moon Male. I will put him in my 19th century antique glass disabled female urinal, for a fish bowl. Eventually also, an aurora borealis & red Boi in a square glass bowl. Franz Opal [w last or 1st name] "KÜNSTLICH" & Mr. LadyBug[maybe] . we shall see.
I've been thinking about painting again a bunch as of late. I have also developed a Neo &hearts Love for photography.
i call these NeoOrganicElectric Impressionism:.
 
Both were taken from an 8×10 television screen in my ER room last night. {That story in next entry} these r both roses in faux neon nature.
 
...& many more of those to upload ×here×.
Last, I promise {myself} to complete the journal entry I've had drafted, & have been working on, since 06.12.2010 by the weekend. HA!
.:Initiate Human Upgrade:. 1233 hours 06.21.2010
standby mode on
Love & Rockets,
+Jenniver Von BrökenHymen+ |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| parts or all of the face can be peeled. |
|
|
| 12:11am 16/06/2010 |
| |
mood:  cynical
|
By th way I did //(& am continuing to)\\ journal //(a tremendeously gigantic entry)\\ on Floyd's birthday. {Stop X clay mationing already} in a synopsis I feel my existence coming to a head a new chapter beginning & ending simultaneously. Neo180
[Metaphorically]I won't be needing an oxygen tank to survive emotionally any longer.[/metaphoricaly] |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Welcome inside me, Floyd the plumber! |
|
|
| 05:41pm 12/06/2010 |
| |
Today marks the 4yr. Mile marker of the now infamous kidney transplant. 4 years ago 2day my father bestowed upon me life part deux in the form of R. Kidney Donation. I am, of course, greatful. Indeed..
But, I have a major dillema... what u say? I am speeding up the demise of my kidney {& my heart} with {brutal, live & world-wide broadcasted honesty here} chemical dependancy. Drug of choice? Opiods. Why? They r better than Xanax for anxiety. Leaps & bounds more effective than IBUProfin for pain [even tylenol]. Last longer than certain schedule 1 uppers, per dose. Plus, detox is 2 maybe 3 days. There really is a myriad of excuses I could give. Literally. Alas, they ARE simply excuses in the end.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm admitting I have a problem. #1. Know it is speeding up MY demise & I want nothing more than to be free from these, pillsCHAINS, #2.. & #3 most importantly I WANT ME BACK! I miss the person, hiding & seeking inside me. That person the addiction & drugs is decaying & will destroy.
It all started when I was 19. Purple specks appeared on my legs & arms in conjunction with adema & pain. That is right about the time I started bruising, perfusely. I had simple blood work done, full CBC panel, the 9. Turned out I am anemic. However, that did not explain the speckles! So, on 2 another Doctor, after it did not relent after a year. After much Dr. "Shopping" until a Physicians Assistant diagnosed me from an out d8ed medical text book. HSP [heonoch schenlins Purpura], an auto-immune disease that [I later found out, when it was TOO LATE @ that!] Causes the persons immune system to attack the kidneys. By the time I was 23, I was, unknown to me [no symptoms what so ever] I was in full Renal [kidney] failure. At a mere 17% function. I had to go on dialysis until I was matched with a new kidney. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Todays entry brouught 2u by the letter "F". |
|
|
| 02:21am 11/06/2010 |
| |
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Me & my brain & my heart cannot take the pain n e more. What pain? No. Not physical. Metaphoric pain. Phantom pain. phantom pain to the me I once knew. The me that is attached to the memories of a girl, a woman? Who still exsists in me, buut, is lost in the potpourri hodgepodge of a drug meshed mind & swiss cheese symptomatic brain. Fuck anxiety, PTSD, BiPolar, mania & ADHD! I don't want labels, I want herrrr {me, ME} back! Okay, enough with exclamations & emotion.
I realized today everything I thought {& was taught} to be true.. is in fact, not.
It's been so long since I've felt something, besides the pain, I'm paralyzed by the self medicating, mentally.
I. Want. My. Life. Back.
I'm taking it back. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Moving :: Part 1 |
|
|
| 03:18pm 26/05/2010 |
| |
mood:  excited!
|
... it is being renovated so we can't move in 'til, erm, July? As it needs an entire kitchen & a shower/bathtub. The complex reminds me of Spahn Ranch, but no dead bodies lying around, one can only dream (; . The cottage itself is connected to an old style motel, like Bates. Minus a neon electric sign & again, corpses. The front yard has a flagstone patio connected 2 a granny glorious porch [in need of a rockin chair]. The front left & all of the left side is windows with flower boxes outside. A small gated yard for Jazzy & Sebastian... Fook ! I'll show pics in the next entry.
Anyroad, I'm out kids. Got some work to do.
Love & Rockets,
+Jenniver Von BrökenHymen+ |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| in a nutshell... |
|
|
| 12:52pm 18/05/2010 |
| |
Like afor mentioned in the permanent post above, I've decided to make all posts here on public. I will record my life & demise in this electronic journal. However, today is not the day for umpteen years of health anomolies & medical wonders...
No, I will save it for the 4 year anniversary date of the infamous transplanting of kidney [yes, singular]. Thanks forever to my Pops for donating Floyd the plummer 2 me 4 summers ago.
Tune in on June 12th for the WHOLE SHEBANG!
Until then, read the tags for a preview.
Love & Rockets,
+Jenniver Von BrökenHymen+ & Floyd
Pee.esS .. pictures will be included.. to include promised shots of my new old cottage. clicky clickington <--- hover & click it! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
biocatharsis's journal
